I remember the day I walked into the office and was told that all of us had to do a drug test. I tried to look cool, but inside I was freaking out. I mean, I just had a toke (cannabis) before I left the house. I always felt that this calmed me down and helped me deal with the pressure of work so I could perform at my best.
Needless to say, high paranoia kicked in, and I went straight to my computer to find a quick and easy way to pass the dreaded test. I kept coming across synthetic urine products called the Monkey Dong and Quick Fix, which people ranted and raved about, but seemed too expensive.
I needed an affordable solution that could be one hundred percent relied on to deliver a negative result on my drug test and save my ass.
If you’ve never heard of these fake piss kits, they basically have all the things that you need to walk into the drug screening, ‘pee’ and pass. The kits come with dried pee, a syringe, a fake dick (for real), heater packs, and an instruction guide.
I saw that some people had made their own versions at home and I’m a do-it-yourself kind of guy so I figured I’d be the McGyver and make a bomb one. Luckily (or so I thought), the announcement came on a Friday, so I had all weekend.
Which was just as well. Let me explain how it all played out to help you make an informed choice.
Making this thing was not easy. First of all, getting all the ‘ingredients’ for the kit took way too long. You need to buy at least five things that you probably don’t have lying around the house, like fish tank tubing, hand warmers, and a turkey baster. Trying to get hold of all this stuff over a weekend whilst panicking if it will all come together in time (and work) was not something I would ever want to go through again.
After I had bought all of them, I called up the one ‘clean’ friend I had and asked him if he’d pee in a cup for me – which also meant buying him a six-pack. I started to doubt whether this was a cost-effective option. You should also be super careful that your selected friend will keep this scheme to his/her self in the future and that the sample will not also be tested for alcohol at the same time as there is no real difference between being sacked for drugs or sacked for being drunk at work.
I ended up making my kit and on Monday morning walked into work with my contraption in my pants, ready to go. I poked the hole and squeezed the piss-filled condom into the test cup. The whole time I was so worried about anything messing up. Did I make it correctly? Would they know?
Fast forward and I was called into my boss’ office. I had failed the test. He didn’t give me specific details, but I’m sure the look on my face gave it all away. I went home, jobless and deflated, to do some research and found out that I collected my friend’s pee too early. Fail.
If any of you are reading this need to pass a drug screening at work, then I strongly suggest buying an actual kit online from a real manufacturer! Don’t fall for these other gimmicks like I did. Also if your considering buying cheap detox solutions which they claim that cleans your system out totally, then your destined to fail.
Below, I’ve covered some drug testing facts that are important for you to know.
A urine drug exam is an accurate method of finding out your latest drug use history. It is the most common type of testing that employers like to use and only need a small amount of pee to test.
Urinary dipstick test is a quick screening that is used all over the world and uses special strips that react with the pee.
Urine exams need a urine sample, which the strip is dipped into. The strips give results very quickly. Positive results change the color of the strip and are matched with a chart to show which drugs are present.
It can also tell you the approximate ranges of chemical concentrations that are in the urine. I’ve listed the specific drugs that these tests can screen for in the following section.
Pee exams can detect up to thirteen different types of substances:
It’s also important to consider the last time you ingested a drug. If it was a long time ago, it probably wouldn't show up on your results but that depends on which drug you took. I’ve listed how long they can stay in your body below.
The duration that drugs stay in your system depends on the amount you had, the type of test that is used, your metabolism, and medical conditions. Generally speaking, these are lengths of the time that the various drugs that you’ll be checked for at work can be found in your urine.
If you’ve taken any of these substances, you’re probably worried about passing a drug screen. Alcohol is the fastest to leave your system but as we know not unless your a raving alcoholic, this will not be a problem for you.
Keep reading for other ways you can pass a piss test.
The internet is full of ideas for how to pass a piss test fast, but so many of them are just made up BS. The one I kept seeing was to drink lots of water and fluids. There are even ‘special’ fluids that are supposedly designed to make your urine clean and pass the test no matter how much THC you have took.
What they don’t tell you is that diluted pee is just as bad as negative results since it screams, ‘I have something to hide.' If you do this, you’ll either get fired or be asked to take more tests.
Then there are a bunch of whack methods that claim you can use everyday things like cranberry juice and vitamins. If you fall for this then you might as well just pray that your results come up negative.
Synthetic urine seems to be the best option out there, mainly Quick Fix (read more here). The only thing that can go wrong with reputable fake piss is if the temperature isn’t right. That’s the only thing, and it’s really easy to control once you read the manual.
The easiest and only solution that I actually believe in is using high-quality synthetic clear urine, especially if you’re strapped for time.
After the horror of my previous story, I made sure that I bought the best option on the market – Quick Fix. Since then, I’ve purchased and used Quick Fix several times for drug tests, and I have always passed. Don’t make a fool out of yourself like I did.